Abstinence vs. Addiction

Abstinence, what a horrible word!!!

If addiction is an extremist state of being, then so is abstinence.

There is a middle ground….may we please recognize that?!!

How treacherous is it that it is programmed within us to lay in one category or the other…There are more than 2 choices, thereby we must break through the boxes in which we feel compelled to be contained by, with the walls dictating a certain set of rules.

There is much I could say on this topic, however, I shall keep myself reigned to my self imposed muzzle. I think more thought would allow it to be better than anything I could write at this particular moment.

Birthday time again...yuck!

It’s birthday time again. Strange, I was going to say that it felt like just yesterday since my last one, but it honestly doesn’t. Confronted by a brief moment of complete blankness, I couldn’t remember my last birthday at all; however, it’s all, at least much of it, has come back to me now. It wasn’t one to remember, reckless debauchery etc…

Much has changed, then again, a lot has sustained within the last year. Strange, I have never began a new year on New Years, nor have I done so on my birthday…but, for some reason, this time around, the latter seems to be appropriate.

I’ve grown to dislike birthdays…well, mine at least. Though I’m young, it is akin to a constant reminder that you’re one year older and most probably in the same place. For some reason, it makes me feel a tad bit trapped. The regular post it on the mirror, reminding you that you are wasting more time than you are taking advantage of. Then again, you do get those nights when you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be, with the people you’re supposed to be with….and it’s simply divine, as temporary as it is.

My last semester ironically starts the day before my birthday…what’s next? Hell, you tell me!!!

Maybe I’ll be a drifter for a while, a vagrant of sorts. I think I would feel a little too pointless for my own good, and would end up pan handling for my daily alcohol rations.

Peace corps maybe?....sure sounds like a good idea, something I’ve been running through my mind over the past year and a half…then again, it’s a big commitment and responsibility…I usually don’t do well with those…hence, my resume is laden with short term freelance work.

This is probably just nonsensical rambling, but it’s getting close to the wire here. Of course, the painstaking question everyone is asking is “What’s next?” And I don’t know.

I would like to bank on 12/21/12, but I think that would make me feel even more anxious.

So here’s to a new year, I hope it goes better than the last and I hope the next step is as obvious as a slap in the face….even if it is just that…it would save me some time.

Cheers

I Wonder:

I wonder....

Why is it that everything breaks down all at the same time? (my computer, car and water pipes in my house all took a shit on me).

Why is it that there is a season for everything....even if it's people coming into your life...they arrive in a tidal wave?! (random people resurface all at the most inconvenient of times...even if it were a day too late).

Why is it that believing in something makes you act out in the opposite direction? (the fear of accountability....that's all I can say about that).

Why do we never feel comfortable and enjoy where we are, and always yearn for where we would like to be? (we need to feel like there's a goal, something else out there....but when is enough?)

Why is it that when we find comfort in people do we look for others to mix things up? (we might get used to people and love their company, but enjoying those who are complete opposites are just, if not more, fun).

Why do I feel so safe in the solitude of darkness, yet fear it when I'm sober? (no idea on this one...yes I do, I'm lying...I'm a deeply paranoid, and at times neurotic, person...that should speak for itself).

Why is everything that is new so exciting, yet they end up making you so nervous that you lock up? (because you don't want to mess anything up?)

Why? I just want to know why things are the way they are....nothing ever happens at the appropriate time, nothing is ever placed where they would best lay. There is always a problem with something, nothing ever just runs smoothly, I suppose if it did, it wouldn't be life...but why does it have to be so up and down?

I just don't understand why everything can't be good, peaceful, happy and copacetic!!! Maybe, if it were, then people wouldn't question life...then again...I suppose...how many people actually do?!

Any insight would be appreciated.