Have you ever felt this way?

Sometimes I cannot distinguish the difference between fact and fiction, daydreams and life, for that matter, memories and dreams. At times I am unsure as to whether something has actually happened or if I have fabricated some sort of polyester memory to make myself feel better….or for that matter, worse. Furthermore, the feeling seems to be never-ending.

I have difficulties dealing with people at times because I don’t know where we stand, what I have done or how I will be received.

There is a film called “The Science of Dreams,” a great movie directed by Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). The main character faces these same questions, it is fascinating to watch his life unfold and slowly fall away from underneath him because he lives not fully in reality and not completely in his mind, but in some middle ground, leaving him confused and constantly falling; awaiting to finally hit the ground and know that something truly exists, that there is a true reality and that, in that moment, you know where you are and what is happening to you….whether or not you shall remember it later is another story.

Abstinence vs. Addiction

Abstinence, what a horrible word!!!

If addiction is an extremist state of being, then so is abstinence.

There is a middle ground….may we please recognize that?!!

How treacherous is it that it is programmed within us to lay in one category or the other…There are more than 2 choices, thereby we must break through the boxes in which we feel compelled to be contained by, with the walls dictating a certain set of rules.

There is much I could say on this topic, however, I shall keep myself reigned to my self imposed muzzle. I think more thought would allow it to be better than anything I could write at this particular moment.

Birthday time again...yuck!

It’s birthday time again. Strange, I was going to say that it felt like just yesterday since my last one, but it honestly doesn’t. Confronted by a brief moment of complete blankness, I couldn’t remember my last birthday at all; however, it’s all, at least much of it, has come back to me now. It wasn’t one to remember, reckless debauchery etc…

Much has changed, then again, a lot has sustained within the last year. Strange, I have never began a new year on New Years, nor have I done so on my birthday…but, for some reason, this time around, the latter seems to be appropriate.

I’ve grown to dislike birthdays…well, mine at least. Though I’m young, it is akin to a constant reminder that you’re one year older and most probably in the same place. For some reason, it makes me feel a tad bit trapped. The regular post it on the mirror, reminding you that you are wasting more time than you are taking advantage of. Then again, you do get those nights when you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be, with the people you’re supposed to be with….and it’s simply divine, as temporary as it is.

My last semester ironically starts the day before my birthday…what’s next? Hell, you tell me!!!

Maybe I’ll be a drifter for a while, a vagrant of sorts. I think I would feel a little too pointless for my own good, and would end up pan handling for my daily alcohol rations.

Peace corps maybe?....sure sounds like a good idea, something I’ve been running through my mind over the past year and a half…then again, it’s a big commitment and responsibility…I usually don’t do well with those…hence, my resume is laden with short term freelance work.

This is probably just nonsensical rambling, but it’s getting close to the wire here. Of course, the painstaking question everyone is asking is “What’s next?” And I don’t know.

I would like to bank on 12/21/12, but I think that would make me feel even more anxious.

So here’s to a new year, I hope it goes better than the last and I hope the next step is as obvious as a slap in the face….even if it is just that…it would save me some time.

Cheers

I Wonder:

I wonder....

Why is it that everything breaks down all at the same time? (my computer, car and water pipes in my house all took a shit on me).

Why is it that there is a season for everything....even if it's people coming into your life...they arrive in a tidal wave?! (random people resurface all at the most inconvenient of times...even if it were a day too late).

Why is it that believing in something makes you act out in the opposite direction? (the fear of accountability....that's all I can say about that).

Why do we never feel comfortable and enjoy where we are, and always yearn for where we would like to be? (we need to feel like there's a goal, something else out there....but when is enough?)

Why is it that when we find comfort in people do we look for others to mix things up? (we might get used to people and love their company, but enjoying those who are complete opposites are just, if not more, fun).

Why do I feel so safe in the solitude of darkness, yet fear it when I'm sober? (no idea on this one...yes I do, I'm lying...I'm a deeply paranoid, and at times neurotic, person...that should speak for itself).

Why is everything that is new so exciting, yet they end up making you so nervous that you lock up? (because you don't want to mess anything up?)

Why? I just want to know why things are the way they are....nothing ever happens at the appropriate time, nothing is ever placed where they would best lay. There is always a problem with something, nothing ever just runs smoothly, I suppose if it did, it wouldn't be life...but why does it have to be so up and down?

I just don't understand why everything can't be good, peaceful, happy and copacetic!!! Maybe, if it were, then people wouldn't question life...then again...I suppose...how many people actually do?!

Any insight would be appreciated.

One down...how many more to go?

Benazir Bhutto was assassinated today...for those of you that don't know who she is: she was the democratic candidate running for Pakistani leadership this election. If you don't know why that matters, here's why: she was the people's candidate, she was the ex-prime minister that was in exhile for a while and recently returned. She was liberal and fighting for the people's rights.

How does that affect the U.S? Of course not many care unless this is brought up......she would have made a better and more complient/peaceful ally than the current leader Musharraf, not to mention her standings on public placement, healthcare and public opinion. With her dead now, we may only hope that Pakistan does not regress into a nuclear wasteland that only exudes radiation freely; for some of their leaders don't care about the status of their people, thus everyone else are listed as less than collateral damage.

May Bhutto rest in peace, and may we be given another in her place.

Darling Dial-up/80s New Wave wisdom

I have always been conscious of the crutch that technology has become in most of our lives, however, I have recently found myself without my aid. My computer completely broke down on me, not the first time, but definitely for the last time. I decided I need to invest in a new one. I don’t even know why, to fuel this seemingly unhealthy addiction to feeling close to people by reading web sites and personal pages.

If nothing else, it is my jukebox that exudes constant lullabies as I drift off to sleep. Or pass out after drinking myself into a black out, it’s your pick, I just thought I would be honest and give you the pickings.

I’m using a back up computer that doesn’t want to recognize my wireless/high speed connection, so I’m stuck with Darling Dial-up…I call it that because using it has reminded me to be patient…if nothing else, it has reminded me that what I’m trying to waste my time on, probably isn’t that important and I can let it go…..see, dial-up does have it’s perks.

I shall digress….I just thought I would share the strange redemption of dial-up internet service which will soon be obsolete.

As per the 80s New Wave......

I can’t enjoy the silence, I’ve forgotten how. Silence has become a thing I can’t even remember. Between the thoughts whizzing through my mind, the things I wish had done -- then those I thought I probably shouldn’t have -- the happenings of the day and needing to wind down by playing music, there is no longer any room for silence. Noises are what lull you to sleep, so that is that.

To pull from another

I think eventually love does tear people apart. It is not a balanced equation, one person always feels more, does more, compromises more, _________ more, just is more than the other person.

Either it miraculously works out, or you end up being 80 thinking you’ve wasted your life with a person that stopped appreciating you in your late 30s and are just resentful. We are not of the generation where relationships, of any sort, really last, that is a thing of the past.

I’m sure there are romantics out there scoffing and thinking up things to dispute the latter point, but, there is nothing that can sway me to believe otherwise. There is no love that is undying…that is, unless the person you love dies…in which many hold on to the idea of what they had and don’t really get the chance to reach the point of separation.

Sure people are capable of loving one another wholly and completely, I just don’t believe that love is enough. Should it be? Ideally, of course, in fact, it should be the only thing that matters. But speaking from a sociological point of view here’s the brief breakdown of my train of thought.

In the 50s and 60s being with another person was a tumultuous affair. The family had to approve, they had to be of an acceptable breed, race, background, standing etc… Nowadays you could walk in with some random person and demand that your family accept him (or her, whichever is appropriate)….sure they might not ever do so, they might not even attempt to, but rebellion is an option. Back then it wasn’t as easy to do.

Thus, given so many options, wanting the best that we can get, the closest to our view of perfection, there is a natural inclination, no matter how small, to constantly be looking at our possibilities and our competition.

Hence, the resentment that many chicks feel when they see “skanky” women walking into an establishment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m right there with everyone else…but maybe it’s not because they are perpetuating the objectification of women…..maybe it's not because they look like “working girls,” but instead, because somewhere, within us all, we have a feeling that we are being threatened by their overbearing, and over calculated presence. This then leads into a negative view of said women (or men, whatever the case be) in an attempt to satiate the self-conscious part of our minds and project our inadequacies onto another.

Finally, feeling like you love someone makes you feel vulnerable, which usually leads to a need to rectify said discomfort. So we disassociate from those we “love” by reestablishing a sense of self, in which we reaffirm (to ourselves) that we are desirable, wanted and sought after; ironically self-sabotaging the current relationship in which one might be, or feel, loved.

I don’t know if people are as capable of loving as they were before. Maybe so, maybe not. Who knows, maybe people only “love” their family because they are obligated to by birth….I suppose no one can really say…I just think it’s an interesting concept to marinate on.

I have and I still don’t have any semblance of an idea of what I fully believe.

Just a thought. Just a thought.

__________ Heals All Wounds...at least temporarily

1. A great bar night.

2. Walking around, drunk, lost and alone in Downtown Long Beach...looking for a 7-Eleven to buy a hot dog.

3. Sitting on a corner drunk, pouring cheesey popcorn down your throat, most of which ends up on the floor.

4. Meeting up with a friend you've only seen once, but e-mailed so much, they know more about you than yourself.

5. Getting a nice cab driver.

6. Realizing everything is closer than you thought...after finding your destination, which you've looked for, for what feels like a lifetime.

7. A cigarette with drinks and/or after a meal.

8. Inside jokes....like "Peace" and "Chickadilla".

9. Kareoke night at my house, getting shit-faced canned...then getting yelled at for playing the piano while singing late at night, laughing hysterically.

10. Doing the Maniac dance in jest.

11. Meeting new friends that are good people.

12. Leaving the batting cages after an hour, feeling refreshed.

13. Running in the rain at the nature center.

14. Talking to myself, late at night, when nobody else can hear me.

15. Laying in bed with the fan on, even when it's cold.

16. Getting new music that I love.

17. Playing tennis, realizing I make the grunting sounds without meaning to.

18. Getting e-mails from someone who knows what to say to make you feel better...and they're even being honest.

19. Buying/giving people gifts that you know they'll love.

And sometimes, just sometimes,

20. Taking a little bit of time to wallow in your own misery.